“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
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I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun