“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
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worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.