@Tmoney68

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

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@PickleRudd

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

@SteveSuckington

They say you should play dead if a bear attacks you. That shouldn’t be that hard once he snaps your torso in half.

@rolldiggity

ME: “This might be a dumb question…”
SCIENTIST: “There’s no such thing as dumb que–”
ME: “Am I a dragon?”

@NrouteHQ

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

@FishySnowborder

Went out drinking at the bar last night.

Took a cab home.

Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?

@trojansauce

ME: hey baby

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME:

HOT GIRL:

ME: *looks closer*

HOT GRILL:

ME: oh