I’m reading a book about poltergeists.
It’s a real page turner.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –
Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
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I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
They say you should play dead if a bear attacks you. That shouldn’t be that hard once he snaps your torso in half.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
ME: “This might be a dumb question…”
SCIENTIST: “There’s no such thing as dumb que–”
ME: “Am I a dragon?”
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Went out drinking at the bar last night.
Took a cab home.
Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?
ME: hey baby
ME: *looks closer*