YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
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My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer