Sorry about your lost dog.

If you liked it, then you should’ve put a leash on it.
If you liked it, then you should’ve put a leash on it.

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Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need


If your name is π, and your mom is standing at the top of the stairs yelling “3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286…” you’re about to get in some trouble.


You may have a drinking problem – when your mother asks you to toast the bread…..and you raise your glass and say “here’s to the bread”!


[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?


A bar in my neighborhood is delivering entire liters of their premixed margaritas for $25 and you get a complimentary roll of toilet paper with your purchase and it’s really starting to feel like there are no rules anymore


[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.


people: u should smile

me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks


My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.


Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.



My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…