Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
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You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me