Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
What a year we’ve had this week.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.