“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
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CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”