@Statistar30

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

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@djdarrellripley

Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”

@jonnysun

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

@Rozb7aleeb

I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude

@ilovepie84

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

@MrMichaelSpicer

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

@torieannesalt

I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out

@TheTweetOfGod

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

@ScorpionDong

What do we want?

-SHITTY MUSIC COMPILATIONS!

When do we want them?

-NOW! THAT’S WHAT I CALL MUSIC

@Reverend_Scott

Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”