Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

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Me: I forbid you to go!

Her: What was that?

Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”


hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u


I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude


After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.


I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.


I’m at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out


Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.


What do we want?


When do we want them?



Meanwhile, at the bar:

Batman: “Whisky.”

Aquaman: “Appletini.”


“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”

“You’re off the Justice League.”