Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
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I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
a fate I wish upon no one
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
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No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks