You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.
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[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
are frogs lazy?
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Me: Finally a day I can sleep in
Birds: We’ll see about that lol
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”