Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I’m available.

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You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers


[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.


Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.


I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records


british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]


[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]


[Sunday morning]

Me: Finally a day I can sleep in

Birds: We’ll see about that lol


wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”