Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
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Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“what that mouth do?” complain
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.