Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems

What I hear: better have the whole bottle then

BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

[at a racetrack]

DATE: Which horse are you betting on?

ME: I don’t have a horse in this race

DATE: That’s fair

ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

I’m already scared

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply