I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
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I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?