Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
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I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
He is just living hist best little life 😊
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica