Sorry but this is a perfect TikTok

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When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.


[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help


Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS


trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.


What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.


hello I cannot come to work today I’m thinking about sad ghost pigeons slowly sinking down through the statues they loved to sit on in life.


Facebook: Holy Crap, I know this person.

Twitter: Good Lord, I know this person.


me: *sends friend a message at 2 am*

friend: *responds*

me: woah woah there wtf are you doing up go to sleep this isn’t healthy for u


Some days parenting’s like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.


If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich