Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
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I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude