Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
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GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!