Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

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This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.


Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect


Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.


[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”


We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.


How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl


I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.


I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.


him: what are you studying?

me: engineering

him: wow! what do you plan on doing with the degree?

me: *drying beer glass* probably this


Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.