@FauxPelini

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

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@omgthatspunny

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

@RxitWounds

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

@FillWerrell

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

@david8hughes

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

@markleggett

We only have world peace today thanks to the tireless efforts of thousands of former beauty queens who didn’t give up on their dreams.

@DothTheDoth

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

@babadookspinoza

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

@NYC_Blonde

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

@TweetsByKaylee

him: what are you studying?

me: engineering

him: wow! what do you plan on doing with the degree?

me: *drying beer glass* probably this

@wildethingy

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.