Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

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5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.


I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings


the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out


A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.


WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.


[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME


When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.


“dad, what does extravagant mean?”

idk son. why don’t you …

[i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace]

ask your mother


Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.


Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together