@Elizasoul80
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
@JennyJohnsonHi5
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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@Elizasoul80
@EnglAhole12
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
@SvnSxty
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
@Lisabug74
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
@SirEviscerate
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
@Reverend_Scott
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
@TheSuccuBish
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
@ericsshadow
“dad, what does extravagant mean?”
idk son. why don’t you …
[i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace]
ask your mother
@WilliamRodgers
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
@daemonic3
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together