Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I’m good, thanks.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks