Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
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[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck