Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

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It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.


I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.


People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.


For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved


The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false


[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?


MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.


Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.