The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?
Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.
Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.