This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
You Might Also Like
Nothing good happens in a crawl space…
MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching
ME: ok mom
FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life
Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017
*in hospital 3 days later*
Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
$1 MILLION DOLLARS OR I SKYWRITE GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*