Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
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My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
A leaf blower, but for people.
uh oh
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.