@sushimonsterc

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

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@Darlainky

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

@TheToddWilliams

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

@InternetHippo

“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what

@PortRooster

Moon: Yo, Earth! Constant revolution?! Why so angry?

Earth: You just don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

Sun: Oooh… Burn!!!

@joeldanger

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

@topherjordan

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.