@sushimonsterc

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

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@Shock_Monster

It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.

@krishna_van

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

@aka_fatman

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

@TheReevesIsland

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

@elonmusk

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

@batkaren

MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.

@samalmightysam

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.