Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

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This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married


MOM: dont lie. The man upstairs is always watching
ME: ok mom
FRANK FROM 4B (watching on his hidden camera): how the hell did she know that


Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…


Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017

*in hospital 3 days later*

Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot


My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]


Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”


*hires skywriter*



“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk


Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*