Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@scrueggs

Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:

@Sassafrantz

My date said he wasn’t looking for anything serious like I was trying to help him solve cold case files and shit.

@saraschaefer1

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

@P1ssed_K1d

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

@rationalists

The term “mentally ill” is reserved for white people. Brown people are called terrorists. Black people are called thugs.

@CauseWereGuys

This Polar Bear is my spirit animal

@mickeza1

You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?

@SteveSackington

Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.

@Its_Baldylockz

Now picture me using proper grammar

Wronger

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.