sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

You Might Also Like


What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.


*finally convinces self to date again as there are plenty of fish in the sea*

Fish: I have a koi friend.


– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?


I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.


you never gotta worry about me cheating on you… i might eat something that was yours but thats about it


Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’


[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies


God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald