sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
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Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen