Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@BatBatshitcrazy

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

@ScubavelliDeux

*finally convinces self to date again as there are plenty of fish in the sea*

Fish: I have a koi friend.

@samuelhlowe

– Baby, do you think I have too much makeup on?
– That depends. Are you gonna try to kill Batman?

@AnniemuMary

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

@itsboyschapter

you never gotta worry about me cheating on you… i might eat something that was yours but thats about it

@iGreenGod

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

@sad_tree

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

@pixelatedboat

Oh no

@paprbckparadise

$3 #books

@EJGomez

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald