Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
You Might Also Like
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Welcome to the stomach
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to