Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
my first dose meeting my second
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”