Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
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Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.