Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
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My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What