SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
But wait…
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I wish this was real life…
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes