Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
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the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I’m not stressed
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”