sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
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My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Spell check is for lasers.