“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
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I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
S M O L
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?