“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
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“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
God making man in his image was the original selfie
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.