Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
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Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
that lip filler tho
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.