@Home_Halfway

Sorry for writing “Everyone makes mistakes” in your wedding guestbook.

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@rebrafsim

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

@ieatanddrink

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

@RamblingMachine

You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

@fightforfood

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

@mommajessiec

[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.

@LostFelicia

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

@carlyken

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

@ninavarelas

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

@KalvinMacleod

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

@discoken

I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.