It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!