Sorry for writing “Everyone makes mistakes” in your wedding guestbook.

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Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct


If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with


You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?


You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor


[at doctor’s office]

Nurse: You may get undressed now.

Me: [rips off tear away pants]

Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.


Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.


Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.


5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.


CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice


I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.