Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
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mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Haha there鈥檚 a squirrel on the fence and he鈥檚 walking back and forth like he can鈥檛 make up his mind because he鈥檚 on the fence.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I鈥檇 pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
The house is clean, just don鈥檛 open any drawers or doors.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Hot hot hot 馃サ
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep鈥hich means he鈥檚 already a lot like me.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Me: [my mouth full] I didn鈥檛 know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don鈥檛
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I鈥檓 a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.