Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
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Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Try and stop me.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?