Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

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I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.


Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like “now what?”…all talk eh boys?


Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.


My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…


Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101


Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.


I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three


[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT


Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider