@briangaar

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

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@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

@bouncingblonde

Just made jerk off motions at a group of construction guys. They just stood there staring at each other like “now what?”…all talk eh boys?

@joekjoek

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

@MasonCrossBooks

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

@savvystrider

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

@PaulShakeySharp

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

@TheDrewRap

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

@pixelatedboat

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider