I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
A man of commitment.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*