@Laser_Cat

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

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@QwertyJones3

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

@welfarehoe

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

@GarreTheFerret

My bank sends a text with my balance. It’s a nice feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.

@tigersgoroooar

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

@NourhanKheir

an advice to every dad,if you wanna see your children just turn the router off,they will suddenly appear.btw ur neighbor might come as well.

@Cpt_Burnout

Subway kid: Would you like your sandwich toasted?

Me: No, I’m toasted enough for both us. In fact I’m kind of hoping it can drive me home.

@jergarl

Things I’ve mastered:

1) Learning stuff the hard way.
2)
3) Missing the point.
4) Not finishing anything.

@BackrowSeats

It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.