Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
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It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
How do you milk an almond?
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
this is so top tier i cant
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.