“Sorry, her father is a pterodactyl” – me with the screeching baby in the grocery store.

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I’m actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history


Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.


when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”


You agree to sound convincing when you lie about changing and I agree to believe you. Formalities over, let’s get this relationship started.


my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”

my work here is done.


Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button


Being a zombie wouldn’t be that bad if it wasn’t for all the walking.


Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.