Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
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[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Banking tips
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.