Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

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Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”


New rule for 2019: when you lick it, you buy it. I can’t believe we have to say this.


[at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend]

HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea?

ME: Remains to be seen.


My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains


*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*


at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back


The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.


[First Date]

Me: Wanna check out the local garden?

Her: That sounds amazing.

[arriving at Olive Garden]

Me: Damn, it’s busier than usual


*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”