@TheNardvark

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

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@Try2StopME

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

@Llama5x

New rule for 2019: when you lick it, you buy it. I can’t believe we have to say this.

@AndrewChamings

[at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend]

HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea?

ME: Remains to be seen.

@oldfriend99

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

@SatansTongue

*wife opens present*
“You got me the action figure you wanted?”
Ugh if you don’t appreciate it then give me it
*takes gift and runs to room*

@GrantTanaka

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

@madlymomming

The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.

@ComedicBust

[First Date]

Me: Wanna check out the local garden?

Her: That sounds amazing.

[arriving at Olive Garden]

Me: Damn, it’s busier than usual

@squirrel74wkgn

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”