Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
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I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.