Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news