Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
we’re gonna need another temp
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that