@SteveDutzy

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

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@dankashane20

I want to get a medical bracelet that says, “Shy” so I can I just hold it up during social situations.

@BunAndLeggings

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

@lazerdoov

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

@rebrafsim

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

@Smooheed

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

@ehchinoo

Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins

@SaraMansford

Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.