Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Travel bloggers during quarantine