Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

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I want to get a medical bracelet that says, “Shy” so I can I just hold it up during social situations.


When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.


I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early


Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit


Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”


Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies


Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins


Pro tip: If you forget their name after a one night stand, just take them to Starbucks in the morning.