Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
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Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)