Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
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Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
i wish we could shoplift online
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.