Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

You Might Also Like


I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.


Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—


[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here


Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she’s in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.


Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?


Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?


“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies


I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.


Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.


Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.