Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year?
Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed?
Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
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The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
god: we need some ideas for sharks
angel that loves whales: what about whale sharks
god: kinda similar to your last idea. anyone else?
angel that loves tigers: you should make a tiger shark
god: dammit does anyone have anything original
angel that hates nails: i have an idea
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?