@KizerBillhelm
@JermHimselfish
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
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@JermHimselfish
@BoomBoomBetty
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
@Ygrene
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
@shegotagronk
Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she’s in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.
@QwertyJones3
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
@JhonRules
Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?
@torrami
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
@lucascomedian
I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.
@Birdhumms
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
@RummyLauded
Ten: Number of fingers children have.
Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.