@KizerBillhelm

Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

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@JermHimselfish

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

@BoomBoomBetty

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

@Ygrene

[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here

@shegotagronk

Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she’s in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.

@QwertyJones3

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

@JhonRules

Why are there commercials for milk? Who still doesn’t know about milk?

@torrami

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

@lucascomedian

I am so sorry to hear about your grandma… I know what you’re going through my phone dies all the time.

@Birdhumms

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

@RummyLauded

Ten: Number of fingers children have.

Twenty-six: Number of fingers children have when you try to put gloves on them.