@KizerBillhelm
@RodLacroix
Coworker: You getting a flu shot this year?
Me: No. Why would I want to miss out on sick days & staying home in bed?
Coworker [on phone]: Hi I’d like to cancel my flu shot.
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@RodLacroix
@onume_
The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.
a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”J0hnnyBlaze”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3031129469/e6b90560ea56fb150f5a77fe8c7a14cc_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”336301334074638336″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”388″;s:5:”tweet”;s:137:”Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}
@LizHackett
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
@NOTVIKING
god: we need some ideas for sharks
angel that loves whales: what about whale sharks
god: kinda similar to your last idea. anyone else?
angel that loves tigers: you should make a tiger shark
god: dammit does anyone have anything original
angel that hates nails: i have an idea
@P1ssed_K1d
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
@daemonic3
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
@houffy
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
@HatfieldAnne
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
@onelongbender
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren’t my kids but he’d never fire a Mom of seven, right?