Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Sorry I booped your nose during your meltdown ..
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My boyfriend: *leaves the room*
The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.
Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?
FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage
Me: that’s rough janet.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.