@TripleFlip66

Sorry I booped your nose during your meltdown ..

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@joshwillhall

My boyfriend: *leaves the room*

The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.

Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?

FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage

Me: that’s rough janet.

@drubicabra

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

@TweetsByKaylee

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

@brockwilbur

My fav sci-fi this year is the Bank of America ad where the 30 year old dude with a new baby has $56k in his checking account.

@junejuly12

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

@Kyle_Lippert

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

@Discourt

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

@KizerBillhelm

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.