@TripleFlip66

Sorry I booped your nose during your meltdown ..

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@dinokitten

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

@bonehugsnirony

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

@mynameisntdave

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

@weinerdog4life

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

@Henry_3000

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

@rudy_mustang

God: then you become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yeah lol the “rest”

Caterpillar: how long

God:

Caterpillar: how long God

@INTERNETRICO

she wears short skirts
i do tax fraud
she’s cheer captain and
i’m in jail for tax fraud

@ch000ch

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.