Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
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Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday