Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
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I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
NASA has no chill
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
she has a point
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
new career option?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
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( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.