Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

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The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.


Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me


Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”


Still haven’t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket…scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different


[Watching “House Hunters”]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million


Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.


Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun


[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume


WIFE: I can’t take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart!
ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?