@thetigersez

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

@dhumann

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

@imagine_vegas

Still haven’t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket…scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different

@DirtMcTurd

[Watching “House Hunters”]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million

@Doh573

Cartoons lied to me as a child. I was lead to believe quicksand was going to be a much larger problem in life.

@kibblesmith

Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”

Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun

@SteveSuckington

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

@NicestHippo

WIFE: I can’t take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart!
ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?