Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
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The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house