Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
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If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
😎 🍻
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.