sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
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I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?